Why do you hate me so much? Parental Narcissism
“You look so pretty, today. Are you using the brush I bought you?” Although two seemingly opposing messages, these questions are the work of a narcissistic parent in the early stages of traumatic bonding with their child. A narcissistic parent keeps their child in a constant state of emotional chaos, fluctuating between conditional love and rejection. The child will never know where they stand with this parent, constantly seeking validation yet concurrently fearing them.
This interaction creates a disorganized attachment style which slowly develops into complex stress over a lifetime. The individual will spend most of their life scanning the environment for “threats” and “emergencies.” At the compromise of healthy self-development, the adult child of a narcissistic parent sees their own needs as shameful and selfish. If recognition is the central component to love, the child of a narcissistic parent is simply unloved.
Ownership of their own shame is the narcissist’s Achille’s heel. To the unfortunate child of a narcissistic parent, the shame becomes the child’s burden. The relationship between parent and child is a “system of subjugation,” (Daniel Shaw, Traumatic Narcissism), where the parent objectifies the child and the child’s move towards autonomy is met with the parent’s resistance, anger, humiliation, and resentment.
This form of deprivation is how the adult child of a narcissist learns to see the world, and at times, the way they respond in interpersonal relationships. Shame from the narcissistic parent immobilizes the child and is often the root of a disorganized attachment pattern.
What is Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment is associated with a lack of stable identity and withdrawal from connections to others. If the parent sets unrealistic expectations (i.e. anything from idealizing to devaluing the child), the child is put in the position of emotionally caring for the parent. Behaviorally, disorganized attachment could be demonstrated by a lack of attentiveness to the parent, oppositional and externalizing behaviors such as anxiety, and emotional avoidance.
Childhood trauma is one of the most conceptually underdeveloped and oversimplified areas in the field of psychology. The diagnoses for this term in the DSM is evasive and one dimensional. PTSD research is more centered on adults’ reactions to harmful events. Furthermore, childhood trauma can be due to complex stressors in their environment. Cultural and socio-economic factors can increase the likelihood of complex trauma due to stigma or lack of access to treatment.
When a child begins to develop and starts to socialize outside of the home, healthy assessment of trust and safety is bypassed by a hyper-activated nervous system. What this means is that the brain begins to scan the environment for patterns similar to the memories associated with the abuse. The child loses resilience and responds to stimuli which are not inherently dangerous, (Vanderkolk, Ogden, and Siegel, The Neurobiology of Trauma).
Simply put, the child is hyperaware, anxious, or avoidant.
The reality testing of a narcissistically abused child is often jeopardized, and they instinctually avoid the feelings triggered by their abuser. Many survivors avoid intimacy altogether as a method of protection. Shame keeps the child in line and contributes to an illusion of control. If the child holds onto shame, they believe they will never be hurt again. The shame reminds them to always please their abuser in order to avoid annihilation. Some children will go onto protect their shame and others will go onto project it, developing narcissistic patterns of their own. Either way, the child deviates from a healthy sense of self and every day is a fight for survival.
In popular psychology, the narcissistic family structure has been discussed at length. Parents will even go as far as to divide and conquer, pinning siblings up against one another. If you come from a narcissistic home, one of these roles may resonate with you:
The Scapegoat
the problem child who is blamed for everything
The Lost Child
forgotten, anxious, filled with shame, and lacks attachment
The Chief Enabler
perfectionist, sarcastic, self-righteous, protects emotions of the narcissistic “victim”
Mascot
family clown
Family Hero
Caretaker
Regardless of the role, each family member fights for a spot to survive. The roles create a homeostasis in the family, so much that the narcissistic parent remains in the power position, emotionally baiting and manipulating each child with a different role.
For anyone who is an adult child of a narcissistic parent, remember that what happened to you was never your fault. Chronic self-blame can be a symptom of complex post -traumatic stress. You are not, and never were the “problem.” Your trauma does not determine your future. Your needs matter and if sudden memories of abuse or even emotional numbing occur, support is available to you.