Crusade 1 Movie 2 - Spasmo (1974)

Language: English audio dub with English subtitles

Runtime: 1h 34m

First mannequin sighting: 59 seconds in

Mannequin Count: 43

Mannequin Boob Count: 18

Meatball Marinara Salad Count: Still 0 :( :(

MPM (Mannequins Per Minute): 0.46

This trash is about two brothers named Fritz and Christian who inherited their father’s wealth and plastics factory after he died by suicide. More on this later. For some reason this is apparently a cult favourite. I love cult movies. This is not one.

This movie begins with a couple heading to a cave to make out where they find a mannequin hung in the cave. They for some reason attribute this to a guy that’s parked nearby and he drives off as they chase after him. Then, let the good times (and credits) roll – with awful music. By the time the credits end, we’ve already seen dozens of mannequins and several mannequin tits. Also let it be known that every mannequin in this movie is female.

What follows is a ridiculously convoluted plot hatched by Fritz to get Christian to have the breakdown of all breakdowns and get committed to a psychiatric hospital for his mental problems. If the plan fails, Plan B is Christian needs to die. He’s enlisted an entire cast of useful idiots to help him, including this guy named Tatum who just can’t stop fucking around with magnetic stainless steel ball bearings and I want to cast him and his balls into the sea. I nicknamed him BBB – ball bearing bastard.

I had originally planned to give a detailed plot breakdown, but dear reader, I love you too much to do that to you. If you really hate yourself that much, the IMDB synopsis is over a thousand words long and you can read that through your tears.

By the end of the movie, just about everyone is dead, including BBB who died with his ball bearings melted in his death claw. The only thing interesting about him is that it’s implied that they’re from pinball machines. He must have really loved him some pinball.

At the end, Christian gets shot and fucking dies on the beach. We’re supposed to be sad but I’m happy. Who gives a shit about any of these people? Nobody. Not even the director. Christian dying means the movie is almost over, which is wonderful news.

Fritz learns of his brother’s death, then walks into a room that contains his very own mannequin collection, all dressed up with no place to go and wearing wigs. Most are posed in sexually suggestive positions. He fondles one and then begins to stab it. A voiceover says his brother’s disease is hereditary and the movie ends.

This movie highly sucked.

It’s massively overrated based on a movie trailer. It was convoluted, 30 minutes too long, and boring. Hard to do when mannequins are involved. This one wasn’t as arduous as Killer of Dolls, but it was much more boring. Seriously, to hell with both of these movies. Also, might I add, we’re watching a movie called Spasmo and nobody spazzed. One half mannequin deduction for false advertising.

 Drum Roll: This was NOT the movie I am looking for.

Rating: 1 out of 5 mannequins

 And now for what I learned:

1.      Don’t hang out in caves, especially if you’re a mannequin.

2.      Don’t use ball bearings as a fidget toy. People hate that. They’re pretentious. SMUG BALL BEARINGS. Also, you’re gonna die in a fire still holding them.

3.      It’s acceptable foreplay to call a love interest a whore.

4.      If you have a pinball fetish then you carry pinballs everywhere you go, just in case.

5.      It’s acceptable for your hookup date to demand you shave your beard off before sex. It’s also acceptable for you to do it.

6.      Being a rapist is apparently socially acceptable in 70s Italy.

7.      If your brother has mental problems, you should create a scenario that causes him to have a complete breakdown, so he’ll get committed. If it doesn’t work, kill him.

8.      If your brother kills women and you only stab mannequins, clearly he’s the only one with the mental problems.

9.      Mannequins like to feel each other up.

Notable Quotables

Christian: ‘I was right, you’re a sweet, sweet whore.’

Fritz: ‘Our dear Christian was schizoid! Mad! Crazy!’

Woman to Christian: ‘Hey, you remind me of a giant chicken!’

Yours In Mannequin Uprising,

Ice

If you want to suggest a movie for me to review, drop an email at terrortalkpodcast@gmail.com