The Memory Hole Cinematic Crusades - Rollerball (1975)
I am starting a second crusade. There is a little-known subgenre that is much loved by those who partake.
Post Apocalyptic Roller Skate Movies
Sadly, there are not very many.
You will (not) be shocked to learn that many of these very high-quality films were made during the 80’s and went direct to video and only the highest quality trash cans within throwing distance.
Fear not - I love this subgenre. I pull no punches because these movies are not good.
Even though some of them are truly bad, sometimes we love the bad girl (or boy), right?
First, we go back to where it all began… ah yes, the 70s.
Fade in on the disco ball.
Crusade 2
(check out Crusade 1 starting here)
Movie 1 - Rollerball (1975)
Language: English
Runtime: 2h 5m
I am convinced that this movie is responsible for creating the resurgence of the roller derby sport.
You might remember the various roller derby TV shows airing that were half roller skating and half WWE. The most famous that I can recall was Rollergames. The show was so popular that a themed pinball machine was created for it by Williams in 1990. I both watched the show and played the game.
However, Rollerball is the movie, that according to me, started the entire subgenre. Rollerball is about a dystopian future where corporations control entire countries and by extension… the world. The main way these corporations interact with each other is not through war but through a sport called Rollerball.
I need to explain the rules.
The object of the game is to get a stainless-steel ball, guard it and throw it into a magnetic port on the wall which will be protected by the opposing team. Each goal counts for one point.
The stainless-steel ball (about the size of a softball) is fired from an air cannon along the circumference of the arena play area and the game begins. Some players have a special glove that looks like an extended baseball mitt to catch the ball. Only one person per team has the glove because… well… how can you bash your adversary’s face in effectively with only one free hand? Gotta double fist that violence!
There’s a 2002 remake of this movie which I will review further down the road. The remake of course uses inline skates, while the original uses the O.G. quad skates (since it’s the 70s).
Here We Go
James Caan
That’s right, he was killing it long before he was killing Annie Wilkes.
The opening scene is of a darkened rollerball arena with organ music playing – the stereotypical Toccata. The arena is a circular disc shape with sloped walls, it looks like the inside of a pie plate, with most of the center flat area used for a crew section with an observation podium raised in the center.
There’s an awful lot of fire extinguishers around for a roller-skating tournament, but there are also dirt bikes involved. The players are brought into the arena by holding on to the back of the bikes. The team this movie focuses on is Houston and their star player is our boy James Caan aka Captain Jonathan E.
Let it be known that all text that you will see in this movie – banners, jersey numbers, etc. are all done in that ridiculous font that was employed oh so sparingly in the 60s/70s in every sci-fi show. You know, the one that people thought was futuristic but has not aged well.
Now, Jonathan loves him some rollerball, and his signature pregame routine is thumping his fist against his leg in time with the narcolepsy-inducing organ music. And this brings me to mention that the only cool thing about any of their uniforms are the studded leather gloves they all wear. The rest of the uniform looks like your typical 70s football gear, except the spikes. Even the helmets have spikes, which makes little sense if you think about it.
LET THERE BE SPIKES.
What the fuck is the point?
The apparent idea here is that you play well for the team and then you will retire and become an executive at the company. Countries have all gone bankrupt and, in this dystopia, all countries are now run by companies and all needs are provided to the citizens by the companies. Everyone gets the basics (no more poverty or illness), but the executive class also gets luxuries, some of which are provided to the rollerball players.
The executive team wants Jonathan to retire even though he’s playing as good as he ever did. They want to bring him up into the executive class, but he’s just not having it. It’s a good fucking deal, but he loves the team and loves to play and just wants to keep doing what he loves. You get the impression that Jonathan has nothing else in life that is important to him, just rollerball.
The catch is that he’s not to question executive decisions.
More things about this dystopian world –
There are no children. In fact, there haven’t been children in so long that people think they’re a myth.
Books are censored or outright banned/classified at the behest of the corporations.
Executives can decide who you marry and can take your wife away from you too.
Jonny boy becomes convinced there’s a conspiracy afoot and begins to investigate… like anyone pre-internet… he hits up the library, but the books he wants are classified and he isn’t allowed to access them.
Since Jonathan is as stubborn as hell, the more he’s pressured to retire the more he resists. I’m not sure why the corporation can’t just fire his ass outright and it’s never explained why they don’t.
Chalk that up to plot hole.
We learn through the grapevine that the entire reason they want Jonathan to retire is that the executive is afraid of him, which makes little sense. Then we’re told the reason is that rollerball is designed to be a game that no one can ever master. Even with rule changes, Jonathan has excelled at the game - so rather than figure out where they went wrong with the game, Jonathan’s gots ta go.
Jonathan doesn’t want to retire from the game. They even threw a retirement party for this motherfucker but he wouldn’t retire. They tell him to stop playing but he refuses. If this is such a big deal, I have no idea why they don’t just have someone break his GOD DAMNED LEGS or kill him and use his dead body as a mascot.
I haven’t really touched on the action during the games themselves, but it is decent action and becomes increasingly violent as the movie progresses. Although if you’re looking for gore, you’ll be disappointed.
By the end of this movie, you’ll have seen players get the shit beat out of them, murdered, run over by motorcycles and set on fire. One notable moment has an opposing player attempt to kick Jonathan, he catches their leg and drags them over to the ball chute. The ball fires directly at their head, killing them instantly.
As a result of the brutal Tokyo game, Jonathan’s wing man is now in a vegetative state and Jonathan refuses to sign for euthanasia.
After the game, Jonathan visits a computer center where the sum of all knowledge is stored. He’s trying to figure out how corporate decisions are made and who makes them, but the computer refuses to answer him.
Eventually they send his previous wife to him to convince him to retire. If he retires, she can become his wife again. But Jonathan sees this as the ultimate betrayal. He is then somehow… finally over her… and because of this he deletes all his recordings of her that he used to watch chronically like an emo.
The final game ends with everyone on both teams dead except Jonathan and one opponent. Jonthan beats the shit out of him, drags his ass to the goal and scores. The crowd roars his name and he’s emboldened. The movie ends with the organ music.
Jonathan could not be broken or controlled.
We also don’t know what happened with all of the other fuckery but we don’t care anymore because Jonathan won for fuck’s sake and that’s all we wanted. After all… we are Jonathan.
The movie is action focused. James Caan doesn’t even have any lines until 13 minutes in.
The action itself is fairly well done, with players using the bikes to slingshot themselves forward faster and pass off the ball to other players. One gets the impression that they really did think about the mechanics of the game. However, the rules of penalties were lost on me and the rules kept changing over the course of the movie to fuck with Jonathan.
Still, I was able to accept the game as an actual game.
Rating: 4 out of 4 roller skate wheels.
And Now For What I Learned
1. James Caan is so hairy they should make a James Caan chia pet with double the amount of seeds.
2. Friends don’t let friends have their countries owned by corporations.
3. It’s normal for your masseuse to fall asleep on top of you.
4. When the rules are changed to make it harder for you to win, simply start murdering your opponents.
5. Never underestimate the human drive for self determination (Aliens, listen up, you don’t want to find this out the hard way. Don’t fuck with us, you’ll just end up as a new curry ingredient.)
Notable Quotes
Daphne: ‘I’m Daphne’
Jonathan: ‘Yeah, that figures’
Doctor: ‘There are hospital rules that have to be..’
Jonathan: ‘No there aren’t. There aren’t any rules at all.’
Yours In Mannequin Uprising,
Ice
If you want to suggest a movie for me to review, drop an email at terrortalkpodcast@gmail.com
Link to the movie on Prime: Rollerball
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