We are embarking on a journey, you and I. Buried in my memory are fragments of movies - perhaps long forgotten, perhaps never known. Bear witness as I review film after film until I find them.

Crusade 1 - Of Mannequins and Death

In the summer of 2000, I flipped on the TV and witnessed what appeared to be a crazy Giallo film. A man, frantically driving a car through dark city streets keeps seeing mannequins. They’re standing everywhere. He gets increasingly desperate to escape them and finally starts driving over them. He is terrified.

This is where I believe the movie ended. I did not see any of the rest of the movie nor did I see the name of the movie. It appeared to be a Giallo movie - perhaps Italian, perhaps Spanish. Maybe even something else but definitely European.

So join me on a non-perennial quest as I watch Giallo films until I find this one specific film. Every couple of weeks I will watch and review a Giallo film that sounds like it may be the film in question. First up - The Killer of Dolls (1974).

Crusade 1 Movie 1 - The Killer of Dolls (1974)

Language: Spanish audio with English subtitles

Runtime: 1h 42m (feels like 5h 12m 35s)

Doll Count: I gave up when it went over 100

Mannequin Count: 72+

Mannequin Boob Count: 18+

MPM (Mannequins Per Minute): ~0.7 +

Warning: There are some scenes with a dead rabbit that appear to be real.

This movie is about an idiot named Paul. Paul was in school to become a surgeon but got expelled from school because he couldn’t handle the sight of blood. Getting kicked out of school made Paul go mad and now he sees people as mannequins.

He wears a woman’s mask and wig while he kills ‘mannequins’. He collects the mannequins and attempts to redeem himself by operating on the mannequins. On one unsuspecting mannequin… he installs a pacemaker…

It’s a ridiculous movie, a ridiculous premise, if you watch it, much like me, you’ll regret it.

The movie begins with an intro reminiscent of Hitchcock’s intros, with the actor describing what we are about to watch - a character study on a psychopath. I was unable to keep accurate track of mannequins from the opening scene forward as it takes place in a warehouse full of mannequin parts.

Giallo Xzibit must have made this movie.. Yo dawg I heard you like mannequins.

Now did I mention Paul also likes dolls? He sure does. And you will too! You won’t of course, but you WILL enjoy how all of the dolls in this movie make sounds like a dog’s squeak toy for no reason.

This movie is excessively long for the story it tells. It feels like they were trying to tell three different stories and never ended up telling any of them. I was 20 minutes into this movie and I wanted to die. This movie goes absolutely nowhere after the initial premise is established.

Paul walks around like a weirdo, seeing mannequins and killing them. At one point a guest of the house seems to be convinced enough that the parents of Paul had a daughter, and not a son, that she mentions it twice. Potential sex change shenanigans incoming a la Sleepaway Camp? Why no, actually this plot point goes nowhere and is never spoken of again.

We see Paul nude with his weird Mr. Burns body more times than I would have liked, which is to say much more than zero. There is also a bizarre scene where he makes out with a woman who is smoking and he ends up with the cigarette in his mouth instead. Now I am just listing randomness… too much randomness…

Drum Roll: This was NOT the movie I was looking for.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 mannequins.

And Now For What I Learned

1. Hand-drawn animated horses are terrifying.

2. Tearing a doll apart with your bare hands makes it squeak like a dog toy.

3. Mannequins even come in the creepy clown variety.

4. I learned more about mannequin construction than I ever wanted to know.

5. If you don’t want your girlfriend looking at other guys, just steal her glasses.

6. If you’re trying to make out and your girlfriend doesn’t tell you she’s on her period, it’s ok to ditch her all alone in the park to be murdered.

7. Without your glasses you can’t tell the person TWO feet in front of you is wearing a painted mannequin mask.

8. The Spanish really like bicycles.

9. If someone does something you disapprove of, it’s sensible to murder a rabbit in front of them as punishment.

10. It’s perfectly acceptable to stop making out in the woods so that you can to take a piss in the bushes.

11. Everyone in Spain owns a mansion.

12. If an older woman invites you over to her house, while her husband is gone, and she wants sex, just lock her out of the bedroom and enjoy a full night’s sleep.

13. If your sister dies and your mom makes you pretend to be her, you’ll develop a split personality.

14. The best first date you can ever give a woman you’ve just slept with is to take her mannequin shopping.

15. When a man loves a woman, it’s only natural to perform open heart surgery on her.

16. Cigarettes are not a sexy.

Notable Quotables

Paul: ‘No, I’m writing a novel - using my imagination.’

Paul: ‘How many secrets can a suitcase hide?’

Woman to Paul: ‘You’re very strange’

Audrey: ‘Do you like mannequins?’ Paul: ‘I love them’

Yours In Mannequin Uprising,

Ice

If you want to suggest a movie for me to review, drop an email at terrortalkpodcast@gmail.com